I finally have a load of words floating around in my head again...this is one of two blog post coming out just to update you all. We sure Love you all. Thanks for following along :-)
Here it is May and life keeps us going in so many directions. Mostly , moving forward. That's the goal, to finish each chapter well. Somedays , I have to remind myself over and over, that this story isn't over yet.
This winter brought us all through a season of discouragement. I will be honest with you and say that it was one of the hardest couple of months I have ever journeyed. We were blessed by many during the holiday season and reminded of how much the Lord loves us and has surrounded us with such amazing support.
January brought me through the unjoyfulness of kidney stones, to say that they were bothersome is an understatement. I spent weeks, 3 to be exact,comforted by heat packs and consuming enormous amounts of water and pain meds. It gave me a new perspective on Jerry's consistent back pain, which to this day seems to be a non-stop battle for him.
Jerry was realizing that it had been a year since he stopped working. That in itself was discouraging,but then to see that physically his body was worse in functioning than Jan 2015 was defeating to him. A year later, his lower back injury is still bringing intense pain, but he also has the dealings of spinal cord injury to add to it. There are moments when you can see the "woe is me" and it can suck you into this dark place where life is simply a moment to moment struggle. We both know there is Hope. HOPE is the Light in those dark moments. Our HOPE is in the Lord. HE is omnipresent. He is steadfast. He is orchestrating every good and difficult part of our story. HE is waiting on us to call out to Him. Like any loving parent is. I am thankful for His arms that rescue us with Love and Grace overflowing.
I spiraled downward in Jan and Feb, myself. The weariness of the last year became heavy on me. The reality of what was ahead was not what I wanted. The dreams we have had and looked forward to all have to be changed, I was overloaded with responsibilities. I did not like the 'new normal'.
I was yearning for the normal I used to know. Wanting my hard working man to just walk in the door from a long day of work so I could be his biggest fan and welcome him home to a nice meal and restful evening. Those days are gone, for now. The winter in the NW, cold, wet, gray and gloomy had welcomed the mood of sedentary, unmotivated life in him. While I just felt lost to myself. I came to a place where I was tending to the needs of 5 people whom I love, trying to make school days productive, pouring out what little energy I still had in me. I felt like I didn't know who I was, Tammy. Not wife or mom, just me this girl from a map dot in Louisiana. Wondering what it was that I even liked anymore. What color made me happy or food do I like. But even feeling all these things, I felt guilty for even thinking about me !! Although, I just wanted to curl up in a dark corner and just be alone...let me tell you.. In a 700 sq ft house with 5 other people, THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE :).The weariness was so heavy but the Lord is strong and HE does prevail.
Those two months brought me to a new place of trusting the Lord and his plans. I had to fight to get my JOY back, to even desire to seek joy again. Yes, that's how I felt. But I didn't do it alone, friends stayed close, they let me have those hard moments but were ready with prayers as life preservers to pull me out as soon as I went too deep. I hope if you are struggling through a dark time you have friends who can be that lifeline between you and the Lord to carry you out. IF NOT, message me, call me..I will pray with you.
Jerry and I both had to get real, find TRUTH in the hard days that we were walking through. Not to be ashamed of things being hard, but to admit that it's not easy right now and we can sure use some encouragement and a helping hand to see the Light of the Lord shining through.
To be reminded of all the good and glorious things that have happened in the last year. Sometimes, it's just redirecting our eyes. It seems so easy but it's an action that takes willpower to fully achieve.
We both had a weekend where we were apart and trusting God to move our hearts back to a place where they could be filled up again and revived. My weekend consisted of a women's retreat. Surrounded closely by women whom were life speaking and loving. The speaker started the night off with this phrase "Your story isn't over..." And an activity that was about "Discovering who you are again". In those first hours of the weekend my heart began to beat again, knowing that this was all part of this great journey we are on and going through another difficult time is really okay; as it too, can bring glory to the Lord. He allows us to overcome and come out stronger on the other side of each and every circumstance. Great is thy Faithfulness.
Jerry, also, had a filling weekend. He was able to share His Story at a Men's breakfast. The Lord's plans laid out perfectly, and he shared the great things and the hard things. he was surrounded by men to lift and encourage him. We both came away from that time apart renewed and ready to move forward again. I am truly greatful for the experience, though I hope to not repeat that, Lord willing.
We covet your continued prayers as we move forward in our story each day. Thank you for being beside us on this journey.
We are blessed and so thankful for each of you.
If you really need a prayer partner please leave a comment, I would be honored to pray for you in whatever is going on in your life ~ Tammy
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